After Bernie Ecclestone suggested making races more exciting by turning sprinklers on for the last few laps, one of the telegraph writers came up with a few additional suggestions:
Every 20th lap, a fleet of 24 Morris Minor 1000s, each driven at no more than 13mph by pipe-smoking nonagenarians of the sort who make the outskirts of Bath such a weekend motoring joy, will join the race in a figure of eight formation. Any driver who attempts to overtake this formation will suffer a time penalty of 20 minutes behind the Safety Caravan, as occupied by Margaret Beckett and her husband Leo.
Whenever a Toro Rosso or McLaren is leading, a circular gap in the tarmac, with a radius of no less than 4.5 metres, will be created on the blind side of the next chicane by a controlled detonation.
If any pit stop for new tyres and/or refuelling extends beyond 6.2 seconds, the team traffic warden will affix a parking ticket to the windscreen. The driver may not leave the pit lane until he has rung a call centre and paid the fine by credit or debit card. Diners Club will not be acceptable.
If the Bahrain Grand Prix does take place, as Mr Ecclestone boldly predicted yesterday, it will be followed seven days later by the inaugural Libyan GP. Held on the streets of central Tripoli, this will conclude after 75 laps or when 18 drivers have been wounded by rebel gunfire. In accordance with Mr Ecclestone’s stated preference for dictatorship over democracy, drivers tear-gassed by troops loyal to Colonel Gaddafi will be deducted 50 per cent of any championship points previously won.
PROFESSOR PAT PENDING
The mad scientist from Wacky Races will join each race on lap 22, with his Convert-A-Car 3 transformed at two lap intervals into the following: a bouncy castle, a scimitar the height of Nelson’s column, Mount Rushmore, and a giant, glowing ball of weapons grade plutonium. Penelope Pitstop may also race, although only the wrong way round the track and in a Sauber. She may not use her Compact Pussycat 5, the retractable lipstick device failing to conform to current specifications.
Between laps 25-33, drivers who started from an odd position on the grid (pole, third, etc) will be rendered sightless by a film of treacle caused to dribble down their helmets by remote control, and solidified by a blast of liquid nitrogen from a canister sited within the steering wheel. Unsighted drivers may take team guidance over their radios, but any instructions as to steering must be given in ancient Etruscan.
Every tenth lap, a king cobra will be released from a box beneath the gearbox, by remote control, into the cockpits of drivers who began from an even number on the grid. Drivers may deploy a mongoose as co-driver if it is registered in accordance with existing FIA guidelines. During a period of artificial rain, however, the cobra will be joined by a puff adder, and this will be known as Snakes On An Aquaplane.[/quote]